Two Letters That Changed My Life Forever -- MS

I just realized that, ironically, it's been a year since my last post. So much has happened to me during this time, that it bears some explaining. I'm not sure if anyone I know personally will even read this, but regardless, it's my hope that anyone facing health challenges will be encouraged by these words.

As some of you know, I have been dealing with some major health issues. I have had 3 surgeries in the last 3 years, along with an assortment of ailments like IBS, diverticulitis, and endometriosis.

Normally, on this blog, I discuss magic and spirituality -- but the subject of my health is unavoidable. It has affected every area of my life imaginable.

My health has steadily declined over the last 5 years. I am in constant pain everyday -- my arms, legs, hands, feet and back in particular. My mobility has become severely limited. I walk with a cane and need a wheelchair when going out to places where walking is necessary -- I just plain can't do it. So I get one of those cool placards that enables us to get all the prime parking spots. Often times, I need help to shower and get dressed, along with help with the housework. This has been difficult for someone like me, who has always been so independent, but I have come to accept what is.

All this time, I have been told that I have Fibromyalgia. In fact, 2 seperate Rheumatologists diagnosed me -- but my higher self knew better. This underscores the importance of daily self inquiry and being tuned in through prayer and meditation. So I kept pushing for more answers, going to multiple doctors -- all of them insisting that all I had was Fibromyalgia, until finally, a test that revealed what I had sensed for so long-- something seriously wrong. An abnormal MRI of my brain that showed several lesions -- in other words, Multiple Sclerosis.

I have known for a couple of months now, and have debated whether or not to let everyone know. I am still waiting for my appointment with the Neurologist to get an official diagnosis, but all the hallmarks of MS are there -- the issues with balance and coordination, frequent migraines, tingling, pain and numbness in my hands and feet, the necessity of using a cane to walk, and difficulty doing most normal things, that when healthy, we all take for granted.

I just want to get all this out of the way, so I can get back to writing about spirituality and magic -- but I felt it was necessary to explain my absence and what I have been dealing with on a daily basis. In spite of my health issues, I have found ways and methods of continuing to accomplish my spiritual goals. Regardless of health problems, I must finish what I started. Those of you on the same path will understand the importance of this. It's an inner urging that, in spite of all the pain and illness, keeps telling me to go forward as best as I can manage. I have come too far along the path of initiation to just give up.

Now that that's out of the way -- more posts about magic, Kabbalah, and spirituality will be forthcoming. The fact that I have MS is just a higher difficulty level, much like a video game. However, that doesn't mean everything is going to be about my illness, or else it will totally change the context of this blog. I simply want to prove to, not only all of you reading, but myself, that in spite of having health issues and being compromised physically, one can accomplish great and wonderful things for themselves and others.

The Keys to the Kingdom

Although it would appear that I've been inactive of late, a lot has been going on. At the present, I am battling some health issues which have culminated into a surgery scheduled for next month. As a result, I may be incommunicado for a bit. However my work on the inner planes continues along. I have made many insights which are personal, but I would like to convey the importance of doing inner work -- thus achieving self realization.

Magic and spell work has been my focus for more than two decades. There comes a time along the path of the magician that a fork appears in the road, or perhaps what might even be perceived for some as an impasse. I have proven to myself that I am more than capable and proficient at manifesting situations and outcomes. Eventually, this no longer satisfies, at least not for me. What I'm saying is that at some point, the desire to go deeper and uncover the source of this process comes to the fore. Namely, self inquiry or the quest to discover your true or higher self and our connection to the source and creator of all things. The path of the magician converges with the path of the mystic.....

I'm not criticizing those who choose the path of the magician. Magic and spell work is what brought me where I am today, both inwardly and outwardly. In fact, I still practice magic, but the work is done mentally. I made this adjustment because of my health issues. It is what is known as psi magic/k. The ritual is done mentally, rather than physically. After all, the secret of a successful ritual isn't the candles, incense, sword and dagger. The real magic comes from within you. Ritual has always been a sort of psychological exercise to manufacture the needed energy and strength of purpose necessary for a successful outcome. I started by performing the Qabbalistic Cross and LBRP mentally. Projecting an image of myself in my mind's eye performing each step. This is very useful to enhancing your clairvoyant capabilities and aids you in truly visualizing, hearing and feeling the presence of the angels. Sometimes the physical movements can be a distraction to the seeing and the feeling. It's a lot to coordinate all these features at once. Give it a try and note if you're better able to perceive the spirits through a mental ritual. It certainly worked for me. I now do all my work this way.

Back now to the mystical aspect of the path.... I am here to give advice based on what my experience of 25 plus years has shown me. This path is actually much more difficult and challenging than performing magic. Sounds crazy and improbable but it's true. Examining and deconstructing yourself is a hell of a lot more work and effort. Human nature is to turn away from adversity and darker aspects of ourselves we don't want to face. I'm stressing the importance of this because I really feel that unless you do this part of the work on yourself, you are not truly performing the Great Work -- no matter how many angels and demons you've called up, how many sigils and seals you've created, or how many successful rituals you've performed. It does no good if you still allow your ego to rule you and don't recognize or perceive the difference between the ego and the real you.

Taking the time and making the effort to observe yourself, your actions and reactions to people and situations both past and present is vital. Your entire life and outlook will change as a result and most likely a great percentage of your ritual and spell work will decrease. Why? Because much of what you perceive to be faulty or lacking in your life will be taken care of through this self observation work. You will discover cycles and patterns that manifest themselves as problems. As magicians, sometimes we're too quick to rush off to a ritual to fix something when all that is really needed is observation and adjustment of behaviors and traits. This is the underlying reason why some aren't successful or proficient in magic. Their perception of people and events is skewed. Then, they deplete their energy performing spells and rites that are never meant to work. Your HGA knows why -- do you? Are you listening? Inner work will connect you to your HGA more effectively than Liber Samekh alone. It's through this inner observation that you will best be able to heed the advice of your HGA. It is through this inner work that the sacred marriage can take place and only until that time will you be merged together. Until then, you're working with the HGA as an outside entity or force. There will always exist a sort of disconnect and your work and development will suffer for it. It is imperative that you entrust yourself to your HGA. If you're always trying to take the reigns via ritual or earthly action without listening, you will constantly run into a wall or hit a plateau where no further progress will be permitted for your own benefit and safety.

Inner work may not be as sexy and exciting as magic, but it truly is the key to the kingdom and will help you to reach the pinnacle, or in qabbalistic terms, Keter and even beyond. Until this is done, you have not truly crossed the abyss. You're merely standing at the threshold staring out into the darkness. There is no way but through. It can be painful and unpleasant to put it mildly. You may re-live some events from your past that you buried away. You will encounter all of your weaknesses and inferior traits. Jesus' trial in the desert was his abyss. You will never know true freedom and peace until you walk into the darkness. Your HGA never leaves you. This is only a perception. However, it's up to you whether to fight or flee. In alchemical terms the dross must be removed to discover the gold within. Until then, you're only working with pyrite.

The Golden Key

Well, I'm nearly finished with my first go around with the planetary rites. Only one more to go. I was going to wait to post until after I was finished, but I realized it's been awhile, and I wanted to share my progress, because it has been extraordinary! In 6 weeks I have become much more focused, confident, in tune, and the stuff in my sphere (surroundings) is improving. I see a marked difference!

I began in late November with the gate of Jupiter. Each planet has an archangel, an Intelligence, and a Spirit of the Table of each respective planet to conjure. Because of my background in Qabalah, I've worked with the archangels before -- some more than others, because I admit, I have my favorites. In Qabalah, each sphere is assigned an archangel. Interesting how all these things correspond -- no? My advice is, if you're interested in pursuing magic, read up and try a few different things. Some may resonate some may not, but you may wind up using some of what you learned elsewhere.

That being said, Hermetics and Qabalah/Kabbalah are definitely Judeo-Christian based. Some may take issue with this. In fact, some of you who know me may even be scratching your heads and saying, "But wait a minute, I thought you were into all that Isis and Egyptian stuff?" I still pay homage to Isis, but I was also raised as a Christian, so the language in the rites that invokes the name of Jesus Christ doesn't particularly bother me. He is to me, another facet of God. I know of magicians that instead will use IAO or LOGOS. Either is perfectly acceptable. That's the beauty of magic vs. religion. No dogma here. Do what feels right for you, because that is ultimately what will bring you success, not blindly following what Crowley said or did, or anyone else for that matter. If it feels wrong, DON'T DO IT. Common sense is the only rule I would advise.

It's a common misconception that the ancient Egyptians worshipped many gods. On the face of it, they did. But to them, and to me, the gods are merely aspects or facets of one supreme God. You see, just as we have many facets to our being, so does God. This is how God manifests Himself to us.

In Hermetic magic, we are the "go betweens". We are here in the sphere of the physical to help God manifest that which is in the higher realms. That's right boys and girls -- you are here to help co-create with God! You are not a pawn on the chessboard of life. So don't just sit there. Start getting in tune! "But how?" you may ask. "What's this hocus pocus stuff? I don't think I want to get involved with that." That's ok, you don't have to. There are many ways to help create and become a positive force in he world. First I want to get back to getting in tune, because that's very important.

Meditation and prayer. That's it. That's the big secret. That's how you get in tune. Ok, now I admit, I have more free time than most of you, because I'm home all day. I have a bit of a one up on you there. lol! Still, even when I worked full time, I used to take breaks in between clients, go to my car to be alone and pray. Definitely at night when I got home as well. You don't have to spend hours trancing out -- seriously! Here's another tip. We always remember to pray when we're in trouble or need something, but please remember to pray when all is right with your world. When all is calm.

Alright, so you're meditating, you're praying.... so now what? "Do what thou wilt...", just like Uncle Al said. My choice is magic. I was called to it. Firstly to help myself become a better person. Sounds kind of selfish, but for those devoted to accomplishing The Great Work as described by Aleister Crowley:

The Great Work is the uniting of opposites. It may mean the uniting of the soul with God, of the microcosm with the macrocosm, of the female with the male, of the ego with the non-ego."^[3]

In my third year at Cambridge, I devoted myself consciously to the Great Work, understanding thereby the Work of becoming a Spiritual Being, free from the constraints, accidents, and deceptions of material existence.^[4]

If we don't get our own selves in order, how then are we going to achieve the ultimate goal of The Great Work in Hermetic magic -- projection? That is to then reflect back to all those around us the joy, the love, the compassion from the realm of God Himself? That's what I'm working on at present. I have been all along really. I just kind of got stuck in my magical progress. Hermetic magic for me has become the key to unlock the door to my continued progress. I firmly believe that it was my prayers for guidance that led me to this "golden key".

Your "golden key" could be art, music, computer programming, helping people in need, healing work like massage or reiki, or writing. I could go on and on. Just about any profession helps make the world better when it's done with a sense of love and pride. Not ego based pride -- honor based pride.

So get into the groove with the higher realms. Dance, sing, chant, pray meditate. You don't have to dance perfectly or sing beautifully. Just do it with a sense of fun and joy! You'll attract all sorts of benevolent spirits, whether you can sense them or not. Benevolent spirits love music, dancing, joy, peace and laughter. You'll then see how people and situations around you improve. It's because of the light surrounding you!

Whatever path you choose, I wish you many blessings. May you arrive at the footsteps of God and be bathed in His everlasting love and light always....

Since I have referenced Hermetic magic a few times, I would like to provide a link that briefly explains what it's all about. (I'm not proselytizing by the way -- I find that to be really offensive.) What I like about Hermeticism, is that it's eclectic, and draws from different traditions, just as I do. The link between the Egyptian god Thoth and Hermes is also pretty nifty ;-)

http://www.hermeticfellowship.org/HFHermeticism.html

From Hoodoo to Hermetica to Hell and Back Again

Lots has happened since my last post. I've begun a new course of study into Hermetic Magic. Actually, not exactly new. The magical practice part of it is for me, but the precepts behind it I learned some time ago.... guess I need to back track.

I began my magical career as it were, with Southern folk magic, or Hoodoo. It mainly consists of working with herbs, roots, oils, candles and specially drawn seals directed towards a specific purpose. For instance, getting a job or finding love. It's a very focused and direct way of addressing the spirits or saints to request their help for virtually any reason you can think of.

Hoodoo was something that I took to very easily and was successful at almost immediately. Marie Laveau was a sort of inspiration to me, as she was a hairdresser, like myself, and she is one of my "ancestors" that I honor. I began at the age of 16, and by my 30's, I was at expert mode. Banishings were my specialty. A friend joked that the mob had nothing on me when it came to making people disappear! But to be honest, I was bored.

I needed a challenge -- something to stimulate me. By this time I had already began daily devotions to Isis on the recommendation of a psychic who told me she saw Isis with me and that Isis was waiting for me to accept her. Once I did, all sorts of experiences and opportunities started developing. I fell in love with Isis! I had never experienced such joy and ecstasy in my magical practice before! It was like I became Isis and it was awesome!

Under the tutelage of Isis, Thoth, and Anubis, my magical abilities increased to the point where I no longer really needed any sort of herbs, oils, or candles. I could simply think on a thing, or a situation, and it would come to pass.

Through Thoth, I was led to study the Hermetica, a book attributed to Hermes Trismegistus, the Greek god of writing and magic. In Hellenistic Egypt, the Greeks worshipped both Hermes and the Egyptian god of writing and magic, Thoth as one god.

The Hermetica explores how we were created, the mind of God, (as well as that can be put into words anyway), and what we are here to do. It's all outlined. The whole process of creation: birth, life, death and re-birth.

Isis served as the great gateway for me, onto new paths and new life experiences. I joined the O.T.O. given that the rituals included the Egyptian gods that I had already worked with, and yet again, it would be another learning experience for me. I also thought it would help give me some structure. I have always been a solitary practitioner, so I thought joining a magical fraternity would perhaps instill discipline and that the initiations would help give me the much needed push so that I could progress faster. For some reason, I have this beat the clock mentality about reaching enlightenment. lol

But then... I met my husband. I was in Michigan and he was in Illinois. Long distance relationships are a bitch. Since I was possessed by an adventurous spirit at the time, I moved to Chicago. I realize now, that I was following the path of Isis, and if you know anything about the story of Isis and her wandering and tribulations, then you know that I had one hell of a road ahead of me....

I arrived in Chicago the week before Christmas 2006, hopeful -- but I did have a weird sense that it was not to be my "forever home"*. I initially started looking for work as a stylist. I had been a successful stylist in Michigan for 10 years, but every place I went to wanted someone with a clientele, but my clientele was back home in Michigan over 200 miles away. After 2 months of continuous salon scouring, I said screw it. I'll just work retail or whatever else I can do. No dice. No one would even call me for an interview! Of course I was using my magic along side my job hunting. I had like 3 different versions of my resume. I even resorted to leaving off my 4 year college education, so I wouldn't appear over qualified.

Finally after many tears, being stressed to the point of wanting to just say "Fuck it, I can't do this!", cursing the gods and asking them why they had abandoned me, many days of eating hot dogs or noodles, and being hungry as hell, I finally got a job at Sally's Beauty Supply, based on my Cosmetology license. Good thing I picked up a trade after college!

I was being tested BIG time! It's like all the mojo I was give was "poof" gone! My calls for help fell on deaf ears. It was like Isis said, "Hey, did you enjoy all that fabulous power I gave you before? Good." and then BAM! Ooooo I was so mad at her! I had a talk with her and said, "Look, I respect you, and I love you, and I thank you for all the blessings you have given me. I realize that I must be tested. That I cannot be given help every time I ask for it. That I must earn things, but all I was asking for was help to get a job so that I could help pay our bills. I wasn't asking for diamonds or a fur coat. That was really shitty!" 

Message received. She never played that shit again, and I think she respected me a lot more, because now she saw me as an equal and not as a supplicant. "Equal?!" you say. Yes!! We too are gods! But there is a caveat to this. You're not automatically crowned King or Queen without doing any work on yourself. You do have to earn it, as I mentioned earlier. That's why I got away with confronting Isis, otherwise I don't think that would have gone over so well! 

That's what we are here to learn my brothers and sisters. The gods/God want us to learn that we are here to create in the microcosm -- you know "As above, so below."? That's what that really means! We are here to do, unite (sex), create. 

And it wasn't as if I didn't try on my own first. I don't use magic as a crutch -- ever. Just because I know how. It's important to prove to yourself that you can achieve goals because it helps build confidence. That was the point. Isis pushed me to the point where I got pissed and confronted her without fear. That bullshit about fearing God is just that. Respect YES -- fear, NO -- never!

*My feeling was to prove correct. After exactly 2 years, my husband and I moved to back to Michigan.