Two Letters That Changed My Life Forever -- MS

I just realized that, ironically, it's been a year since my last post. So much has happened to me during this time, that it bears some explaining. I'm not sure if anyone I know personally will even read this, but regardless, it's my hope that anyone facing health challenges will be encouraged by these words.

As some of you know, I have been dealing with some major health issues. I have had 3 surgeries in the last 3 years, along with an assortment of ailments like IBS, diverticulitis, and endometriosis.

Normally, on this blog, I discuss magic and spirituality -- but the subject of my health is unavoidable. It has affected every area of my life imaginable.

My health has steadily declined over the last 5 years. I am in constant pain everyday -- my arms, legs, hands, feet and back in particular. My mobility has become severely limited. I walk with a cane and need a wheelchair when going out to places where walking is necessary -- I just plain can't do it. So I get one of those cool placards that enables us to get all the prime parking spots. Often times, I need help to shower and get dressed, along with help with the housework. This has been difficult for someone like me, who has always been so independent, but I have come to accept what is.

All this time, I have been told that I have Fibromyalgia. In fact, 2 seperate Rheumatologists diagnosed me -- but my higher self knew better. This underscores the importance of daily self inquiry and being tuned in through prayer and meditation. So I kept pushing for more answers, going to multiple doctors -- all of them insisting that all I had was Fibromyalgia, until finally, a test that revealed what I had sensed for so long-- something seriously wrong. An abnormal MRI of my brain that showed several lesions -- in other words, Multiple Sclerosis.

I have known for a couple of months now, and have debated whether or not to let everyone know. I am still waiting for my appointment with the Neurologist to get an official diagnosis, but all the hallmarks of MS are there -- the issues with balance and coordination, frequent migraines, tingling, pain and numbness in my hands and feet, the necessity of using a cane to walk, and difficulty doing most normal things, that when healthy, we all take for granted.

I just want to get all this out of the way, so I can get back to writing about spirituality and magic -- but I felt it was necessary to explain my absence and what I have been dealing with on a daily basis. In spite of my health issues, I have found ways and methods of continuing to accomplish my spiritual goals. Regardless of health problems, I must finish what I started. Those of you on the same path will understand the importance of this. It's an inner urging that, in spite of all the pain and illness, keeps telling me to go forward as best as I can manage. I have come too far along the path of initiation to just give up.

Now that that's out of the way -- more posts about magic, Kabbalah, and spirituality will be forthcoming. The fact that I have MS is just a higher difficulty level, much like a video game. However, that doesn't mean everything is going to be about my illness, or else it will totally change the context of this blog. I simply want to prove to, not only all of you reading, but myself, that in spite of having health issues and being compromised physically, one can accomplish great and wonderful things for themselves and others.

Take It Easy

I have been out of commission the last couple of weeks due to a down turn in the health department. The old saying "The mind is willing, but the flesh is weak." couldn't be more apropos. It seems that every time I start to make head way on my spiritual path, I get side tracked by some kind of bullshit or other. So frustrating! This time I wound up in the hospital for 4 days. The thing is, I knew the down turn was coming and that it was a race against time. I can always sense when it's coming. I had even consulted the tarot to double check, even though I dreaded looking at the cards. 4 days and the 4 of swords. Kind of funny... huh?

The most rotten thing about being ill and being a magician is knowing what to do and not having the strength or clarity to do it. Sure, I know healing spells, etc. But the energy they take to do only leaves me feeling worse! When I'm feeling acute pain, I call on Archangel Raphael, and he eases me to sleep so that I can get through it.

So, of late I've been doing a great deal of reading, praying, meditating and talking to my HGA and just coming to a place of peace and acceptance overall really. I've learned to stop railing against what is. What is kind of sucks, I know that -- but I have to just accept the fact that I have a chronic illness and learn to accept that I can never be who I was and accept who I am now. I have been given an opportunity to balance some major karma. The limitations I live with mean I am more challenged. Just like playing an xbox game on a harder difficulty mode.

Luckily for me, I have a wonderful husband who not only loved me as I was before, but loves me as I am now. Why else would he sleep in an awful hospital chair nights on end? Not to mention a fantastic mom who takes me to my myriad of doctor's appointments and tests, etc. I haven't been put in this situation alone, without help or support and for that I am blessed and thankful.

I sometimes get moody and frustrated because I don't have the energy or strength to conjure up spirits or travel the realms as I would like, or even just to go shopping or hang out. I still need to work on that! It's not easy having gone from being a super active person always on the go, to someone who can barely move.

I feel as though I've lived thousands of years and that it's finally caught up to me. I read somewhere that my illness, Fibromyalgia is caused by "soul weariness". I think it describes how I feel perfectly. I literally feel the weight of Malkuth and all the incarnations I've lived. I may not look like it, but I'm an old soul.

I think, this is God's way of saying, "Evie, since you won't slow down on your own, I'll do it for you. You're going to take it easy from here on out." Take it from me, please make time for rest and to re-charge your batteries. It's vitally important for your mind, body and soul.